Crazy Face

Dear lost in the past,

I want to keep talking to you. It's nice to hear about your life and all the things that you have been doing since we last spoke. I'm happy for you. It's nice to know that after we split up and stopped talking for so long, you've recovered and become a better person. Better than I could possibly hope to be.

A part of me still loves you. A small part, that fosters caring and hope for a bright future on your behalf. A part of me that fears that if I were to go out of my way to see you again, however, it would only inspire distinct confusion in me. I have not kept a piece of my heart for anyone else quite like I have for you.

I still dream about you, sometimes. Fanciful things that make my heart sing and wake me up with a jolt thinking that any minute now I'll hear you talk again. But I won't.

I wonder why I treated you so badly, and what possessed you to stay with me. I seem to treat all the good things in my life badly, and presently treat the person I have with very little respect. If we had been together, in person, for any prolonged period of time I think you would have had the sense of mind to know I am not worth treating as well as you did.

I hope you can forgive me for abusing your emotions and making you feel like less than a person. I know I am emotionally abusive, and yet still continue to be so. I do not foster an environment conducive to being an individual: I wanted dependence, and I generally get it. You've become your own person, and I admire that in you.

dear person, I hope that by talking to you that you do not think that it would be a good idea to renew affections. I am an emotionally damaging person (and in the past have been a physically damaging one), and am not worth the time of someone who has grown so much as a person. Please disregard me as an interesting human being and keep me on the peripherals of your life, as I ought to be.

No matter how much I offer to love you, do not accept it. My love is worthless, it has no meaning. I make it a game to get my love, and I would rather you not fall into that trap, no matter how much I wish you would. I will respect you more for it in the future.

Know that you are special, and that you only deserve the best, and I dearly hope that you receive it.

Sincerely,

Crazy Face.

Not-New-Years' Resolutions

Epic music inspires epic resolutions.

Maybe they won't work, maybe they will: it's the same thing as when I make resolutions for myself in the shower. Food always seems to get in the way.
A part of me would like to just accept myself for who I am, but then I have to ask: am I actually who I am at this very moment, or simply a caricature of who I want to be?

For instance, if I were to follow my heart and achieve my absolute self, I would very likely have half-inch gauges, at least seven or eight more piercings in strategic places, and a very detailed tattoo on my back, which would include an inuit art skull (between my shoulders), something of a cross between tribal and flowers from BC and Nunavut, crossing the Aurora Borealis with a night sky...
Wow, that sounds gorgeous. If only I could execute how it appears in my head I'd have something I'd be proud to take on as a back piece, or maybe a sleeve.

I also need to lose weight. For eff's sake, I need to lose weight. I feel so trapped in this body... If I could just take my mind off food and put it onto something else, I might actually manage it and would be able to stop being jealous of my mother. That would be nice.
I need to be more social, or at least more able to talk to people. I want to seek out a gym or at least start doing yoga again. Doing art again.
But what do I do to replace my food trigger? I was told water would help, but part of me thinks that smoking would help more... That would certainly impress my dentist, if I happen to show and have picked up smoking in the TWO DAYS before my visit. HAHA.

I want to be a headbanger, good student, Star Wars nerd, non-drinking, proud-to-be ME for eff's sake. I want to get back to everything that used to be me, but now has been put my the way-side. Before I'm too old and jaded and forget what it's like to appreciate something for it's beauty and not its utility. I want to dance, do yoga, run, and just be athletic in my own way. I want to learn buddhism, french, russian and Japanese, and finish my psychology degree.

I resolve to be me, no-nonsense but non-judgemental. I like to keep things clean, but I can function in a mess. Study, but not always at home. KEEP MUSIC IN MY LIFE. I lost it. I lost the music, and I lost who I was...

So, let's review, and look at this from short term to long term:

Short term goals (by New Years):
- Renew my love for music
- Finish my novel
- PASS ALL MY EXAMS
- Discover art again
- Screw the system. I refuse to be a part of your conformity. Just for one minute, I want to do something.
- Get angry. I am angry. H***, I'm always angry. But I can be calm too. I want to find the place where I can be both.
- NEVER TAKE IT OUT ON MY BOYFRIEND. He is loving, kind, and far too nice for me. He needs a little guidance and a lot of love, and will never be what I take out my anger on again.
- Enjoy Christmas, because after it's over I am DETOXING this b**** of a body.

IN THE NEXT YEAR (By the end of my Third year)
- I will love my body.
- I will fight food. No matter how good cheesecake is, a chocolate bar is, it is no excuse to eat it all/put off a work-out. FOOD DOES NOT OWN ME.
- Work. I am not above working retail, being nice to f***ers who aren't nice to me.
- Discover my inner Sith. I will be F***ING HOT by the time I want to cosplay in April.
- Kickboxing, karate: videos, classes, I don't care. Buy a bag, beat it up every other day, but find a new thing to be my punching bag!

By the END of Next Year
- Find an artist willing to do my back piece, or at least collaborate with me on it. (Prefer Strange City: look into that shit!)
- See a Heavy Metal concert and get in the mosh pit. MAKE SURE I AM F***ING DECKED OUT.
- Be MYSELF. I may know who I am now, but I want to be that person by the end of next year. I am not going to be a goth, a nerd, a head-banger, a preppy, a poser... I want to love me, and I want to show myself that I have a thousand different things that make me who I am.


From here on in, I will endeavor to find one thing a day that makes me who I am. It may not show up on here all the time, but I will make sure it is remembered.

#1: I have awesome taste in music. I have a little bit of everything.